god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
