I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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