then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
