just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
