I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
