Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
