I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
