Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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