no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
