I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
