and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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