Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
...so i touched it.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
