So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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