i will never coherently bang her
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
