The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
