dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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