I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
