these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
