so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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