You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
