She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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