You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
the liver wants what the liver wants
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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