I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
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