It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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