I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
