I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
