have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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