I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
