What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Shame - the story of my life.
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