I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
