: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
