doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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