i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
