I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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