I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
its not stalking. its research.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
