I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
