I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
