I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
