i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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