tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Dicks are not precious.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
