Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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