I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
