I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
