Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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