I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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