He disabled his match.com account in front of me
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Randomize
