She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
