Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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