grandma shit on top of the toilet
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
