he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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