Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
