Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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